December 30, 2010

  • Spilled sugar on the counter. 

     

    I've been mostly doing nothing. I've fallen into the dreadful habit of staying awake until 3 a.m. and then sleeping until noon. I don't know how it happened, really, but it happened and while I know I should fix it part of me doesn't mind. I prefer the house when it's quiet. I like having a few hours at night to wander around and be alone. 

    This place is starting to get to me. 

    This evening I ran into a girl I used to dance with. She was one of the few people I was really sad to leave when I quit. She's just... kind. Really, really kind. I ran into her in a bookstore and we ended up talking for nearly half an hour, standing in the aisle between Humour and the children's section. She told me she missed me at rehearsals and I asked how things had been going. The company recently celebrated its 40th anniversary, and marked the occasion with a big, fancy performance. When I asked how it went she said, "I hated every minute of it."

    I can't even count the number of performances I could say that about.

    We mostly talked about dancing - she told me how unhappy it's been making her, and how much she wishes she could quit. We talked about the impossible expectations, the standards that none of us have ever met and that no one will ever meet, about the infuriating insularity of that whole, strange world. We talked about her older sister, who used to dance with us, too, but retired a few years ago - she doesn't miss dancing at all and is just incredibly relieved to finally be free of it.

    I still can't figure out how this thing that we all start out loving eventually becomes an absolute torment, but it does. 

    As she talked, I could see that she was relieved to be telling somebody who understood. And I was relieved to hear her say the things I'd been thinking for so long. When I quit dancing, I didn't expect to find any sort of understanding - because when you dance you are expected to be committed wholeheartedly and when you aren't - when you can't be - you're defective. The company is better off without you. I expected, if anything, a lot of good riddance. 

    But I'm not the only one who felt the way I did. I'm just the only one who acted on it. 

    h.

     

Comments (1)

  • What is wrong with people? I mean, at what point did we decide that doing things For Fun had no merit? It's like you either have to take thing so seriously you suck all the enjoyment out of it or you get written off as a dilettante.
    I've seen you dance. It sucks something like that - which you made look like nothing

    but

    fun - should cause anyone stress.
    x.g.

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