December 20, 2010
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I wrote a post and then got rid of it. And then I remembered that part of starting to write again has to be getting into the habit of writing daily - or as close to daily as I can manage. I gave it a rest during exams because I had absolutely nothing to say, but now I have no excuse.
I have the apartment to myself tonight. My roommates all left for home this morning. I'm enjoying the peace and privacy, but it's weird to be the only person here at night. I've checked the lock on the door about six times and keep feeling the burners on the stove to see if they're warm.
I don't go home for another two days. I'm delaying my departure for as much time as possible - I've picked up some extra shifts at the library so I have a non-negotiable reason to stay. I've been dreading this - spending the Christmas break at home - for a very long time. Although, really, it's a much stranger mix than just dread. I'm afraid, and then there are moments where I miss home so much it breaks my heart.
Either way, it's only a few weeks and my life is here now. My life is here, and my life is mine. Nobody can take the world that I have built.
h.
Comments (1)
"I've checked the lock on the door about six times and keep feeling the burners on the stove..." Hee hee. It's so funny, how quickly we learn and unlearn to feel safe. I've lived (mostly) alone for 20 years and still, sometimes, when C stays over I am too aware of sharing my space. But he's been staying over so often there are also nights when, realizing he's not here, I have to double bolt the door and put the phone next to the bed... just in case.
Part of the problem of missing home is that we miss it in it's most ideal form (like, say, when we were six and we got that sled for Christmas and nothing bad was ever going to happen). Later we miss home but, upon going back to find it, we realize the thing we miss isn't just a place, but a place in time - and so, of course, irretrievable.
And then you go outside and kick around some snow.
x.g.
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